A letter to my Dad - A death in the family

The word Dad would linger on my tongue whenever I said it, It didn't feel right, I didn't have one therefore I wasn't entitled to say the word.

As you may have guessed, my dad died.

I was 3 years old.

I did not attend the funeral.

My mom always said she never knew when we understood he was dead, "As you grew older you just stopped asking when he was coming home"

Its tragic and heart breaking.

We apparently spent months asking/saying things like "when is daddy coming home?" , "you'll see mom, he'll come back, he loved us" and "He went up to the sky, mommy says he's in a better place".

As I grew older I never asked about my father, I wasn't allowed to in my mind, he was dead, it was over and there was nothing left to do, I didn't have many memories and I had to live with that.

I remember I used to allow myself the anniversary of his death to be sad about it, and try to morn a loss that I still didn't understand.

I had a friend that once said to me "stop feeling sorry for yourself, you never knew him, you can't miss him".

She didn't seem to realise that you don't only miss the person, it's the absence of their presence that really gets to you. Seeing my uncles be fathers a wondering why I couldn't have someone like that in my life was enough. 

To anyone who's had a death of a parent, I admire you. You're family will always feel incomplete, no one can begin to comprehend the pain you feel when you look at pictures of when they were alive and wonder why?.

Everything in life has a reason but a child losing a parent has none, its cruel.

I wish I could say you stop missing them but everyday you spend trying to make them proud.

So with that in mind...

Dear Dad.

I miss you, but you already know that.

I wonder what you would've done when that boy broke my heart

I wonder if you would've thought I was beautiful. 

I wonder if you would've liked my dog or my taste in clothes.

What stories would you have read and would you have tucked me into bed

With all the wonder comes hope, like...

I hope you are truly in a better place

I hope I get to see you again some day

I hope you're not mad, disappointed or sad

Dad I hope you are proud. 

Thank you! 

Lana xx

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