A letter to my Dad - A death in the family

The word Dad would linger on my tongue whenever I said it, It didn't feel right, I didn't have one therefore I wasn't entitled to say the word.

As you may have guessed, my dad died.

I was 3 years old.

I did not attend the funeral.

My mom always said she never knew when we understood he was dead, "As you grew older you just stopped asking when he was coming home"

Its tragic and heart breaking.

We apparently spent months asking/saying things like "when is daddy coming home?" , "you'll see mom, he'll come back, he loved us" and "He went up to the sky, mommy says he's in a better place".

As I grew older I never asked about my father, I wasn't allowed to in my mind, he was dead, it was over and there was nothing left to do, I didn't have many memories and I had to live with that.

I remember I used to allow myself the anniversary of his death to be sad about it, and try to morn a loss that I still didn't understand.

I had a friend that once said to me "stop feeling sorry for yourself, you never knew him, you can't miss him".

She didn't seem to realise that you don't only miss the person, it's the absence of their presence that really gets to you. Seeing my uncles be fathers a wondering why I couldn't have someone like that in my life was enough. 

To anyone who's had a death of a parent, I admire you. You're family will always feel incomplete, no one can begin to comprehend the pain you feel when you look at pictures of when they were alive and wonder why?.

Everything in life has a reason but a child losing a parent has none, its cruel.

I wish I could say you stop missing them but everyday you spend trying to make them proud.

So with that in mind...

Dear Dad.

I miss you, but you already know that.

I wonder what you would've done when that boy broke my heart

I wonder if you would've thought I was beautiful. 

I wonder if you would've liked my dog or my taste in clothes.

What stories would you have read and would you have tucked me into bed

With all the wonder comes hope, like...

I hope you are truly in a better place

I hope I get to see you again some day

I hope you're not mad, disappointed or sad

Dad I hope you are proud. 

Thank you! 

Lana xx

Find me:

Twiiter: lana_blowers

Instagram; lanablowers13 

Getting Highlights - Need to know

Looking in the mirror I didn't like what I saw, i wanted to do something different, i had already gone from long hair to short, side parting to middle parting and so on, I was running out of options.

I then realised now is probably the best time to take a shot at hair dye, after weeks of late nights on google images I decided I wanted to go slightly lighter on the ends, a sorta ombre effect.

This was the best option for me aw it would't be a drastic change but still enough to make a difference. These were the results...








I was actually pretty happy with how things turned out, the picture doesn't really do what I had done justice

Never the less I learned a lot getting this done and I wanted to share that with you.

1. If you are a first timer, get this done at a salon, especially if you are an inpatient person as this is a pretty long process.
   
   
2. That tin foil stuff is actually really heavy and be prepared to have neck pain the next day.
   
   
3. Get this done at a good salon, do your research and look at all your different options.
   
   
4. Discuss what you want with the person actually doing your hair, they will always give you an honest opinion. 
   
   
5. Bring things to keep you occupied because It took a total of 2 and a half hours to get mine done and I don't even have thick hair. 
   
    

Before.

 During                                                                                                                                                                                                  After






I wanted to say a huge thank you to the girls at Toni & Guy who did this for me! 

Costs

Highlights: £60 

Cut: £40 

Thank you 

Lana xx

Find me

Twitter: lana_blowers

Instagram: lanablowers13

Suicide attempt - Why I wish it worked

I was in the hospital and I had never felt so disappointed in my life, I was disappointed in myself for making the ones I loved suffer so much but I was also disappointed it didn't work.

You see, a year ago I tried to kill myself, I was rushed into the hospital and almost died.

As blunt as that was it is a fact and sadly a part of my life. I'm not going to go into detail about how I did it just because I find it's pointless.

I remember it being really impulsive, people will always see suicide as an act of weakness. "how could you do that to those who love you" is a common question, and honestly I didn't care because in that moment I felt like no one loved me, I felt like people would be better off without me.

It was quick and before I knew it I was in the hospital ridiculously ashamed of myself.

The ultimate truth about suicide is how hard it is if you survive, you feel worse than you did in the moment you wanted to take your life, you feel like a failure. 

You are forced to talk about feelings you wanted to forget and trust me the last thing you want to do is talk about something you failed at when all you wanted was just for everyone and everything to just go away, but now everyone is down your throat asking why while trying to help.

Funnily enough you feel even more alone than you did before.

I remember I had a gig at the Black Lion pub 4 days after, I missed a full day of rehearsals and let a lot of people down and for that I am sorry. 

A year later I wish it worked, not a day goes by when I don't wonder "what if" and that sucks because all you've ever wanted was to be better for those who love you, but you still wish you died.

How do you tell those who love you that you wish you were dead, that all their efforts were all a waste of time and that nothing has changed?

You can't, something's are best kept buried in our heads.

Thank you 

Lana 

xx

Twitter : lana_blowers

Instagram: lanablowers13

Looking put together - Red lipstick 101

Back in 2012 Taylor Swift released an album titled "Red", Taylor started wearing red lipstick constantly and I decided I wanted to do the same.

That year for Christmas I got my first ever red lipstick, it was a Rimmel London one in the shade "111, Kiss of life", ever since then I haven't been more obsessed with a lip colour.

As I got lazier I realised I could wear very limited face makeup and still get away with it if I was wearing a bold lip colour. 

In the picture above I am literally wearing concealer, mascara, eyebrow gel and of course red lipstick, but I remember getting a ridiculous amount of compliments that day. 

I owe my life to red lipstick, the amount of times I've worn it and felt empowered and sexy is insane and no other beauty item has ever made me feel that way. 

Thank You 

Lana 

x

Life Update - Scoliosis surgery, University and much more

For this post I just wanted to update you on a few things going on in my life that may effect how much/when I will be posting. 

The first major life event is my scoliosis surgery due to be on the 14th of July, anyone that knows anything about the condition will know it isn't an easy surgery, that is why I have planned and will begin writing all my posts for 2 months after my surgery.

This is because I have no idea how well I will recover and wouldn't like any stress or worry about having to write/prepare a post. 

My cousin from America will also be visiting on the 7th of July, this has no direct effect to my posts however I will be doing loads of fun things with her which I shall be talking about on this blog, mid August.

When it comes to university I have no plans, I have applied for September 2017 and will be taking a gap year to figure things out, I will still be working part time at Kurt Geiger and will hopefully arrange to get more hours.

With all this being said as you can imagine this surgery is starting to stress myself and my family out, we have loads of things to get done before the big day so if I miss a day or things are late please be patient. 

When it comes to the materiel I write about things will stay the same, on Wednesday I will talk about more serious/life issues and on Sunday I will target the beauty side of things, I can't promise this will be the same permanently however I do promise I will have an equal balance of both materiel.

I know this is short and sweet but I just needed to explain a few things I am currently facing.

Thank you    

Lana xx

If you would like to see what I get up to on a daily basis as well as up to date pictures of myself and my cousin and my surgery be sure to follow...

Instagram; lanablowers13

Twitter: lana_blowers 

When Everything isn't Enough

I've always had ambitions and goals, whenever I hit something I would never just sit there and congratulate myself because the second got where I wanted to be I wanted more.

It started early in my life, I remember being little and for some reason my cousins and I decided it would be a good idea to sell perfume (aka flowers and water in a spray bottle). We targeted my family of course, but selling to just one or two aunts wasn't enough, even though my cousins were happy with just 5 Syrian Lira to their names, I wanted 10.

Things just got worse from there.

Here I am, at 18. I've got a job, I make decent money, I have friends and family that love me, I got the grades I wanted to get into the uni of my choice, I have a house, food, hell I'm an attractive person with enough makeup to last a life time. Everything a girl my age would want. 

It's still not enough, when I was younger I always knew what the next step was, but now I don't, I have what I want, but I'm not content. 

I don't know why or what I want/need to feel content, I just know a sense of accomplishment has to be more than just a smile, I wanted to feel something on the inside.

Looking at it now I'm just not proud of myself, because I compare myself to other people who seem to have everything fingered out, but no one does.

People assume that about me you know, blonde, blue eyes, tall and I've been asked out enough times to know I have options. I'm seen as "That Girl" the one with the typical pretty blonde life. But that's not the case.

I wish people would stop seeing me for this fake ass person that smiles to insure no one notices how unhappy I am.

I think my point is that you can't compare yourself to people who seem like they have everything going on, because they don't, no one does. 

These assumptions will only drive you crazy and the stress you put yourself under to be "perfect" like them will make you feel empty inside, because they were never perfect in the first place.

Thank you! 

Lana 

xx

Tanning 101 - When you're white as fuck

I always envied people who tanned easily, living in Syria I was surrounded by people with beautifully tanned skin and I was always the whitest in the bunch who couldn't step out the door without SPF 50.

Before leaving for Dubai I picked up some tanning oil and holy crap this stuff is amazing.

The stuff I went for is by Garnier and its called "Amber Solaire protective oil".

They do a few variations ranging in SPF, the one I would recommend is the SPF 30, its got enough to ensure you don't burn.

Some people think the lower the SPF the more likely they will get tanned but that's the complete opposite.

You need protection as the sun is seriously harmful.

I wouldn't recommend you use this on your face however, only because it is very oily and you'd probably be better off using a specific sun protector for your face.

This stuff retails for £7.50 and is honestly a bargain for the quality of this stuff.



Never the less I hope this helped and enjoy the sun!

-Lana xx

Product Mentioned: 

http://www.boots.com/en/Garnier-Ambre-Solaire-Protective-Oil-SPF30-150ml_1211290/

3 Countries, 7 Schools and no where to call home

As you can tell from the title, I've moved around a lot. I've lived in England, Namibia and Syria over the past 18 years of my life.

My first memory of being different was in year 1, I just moved to Syria that summer and had started in this new international school called "The Choueifat"

Looking around the room I realised my brother and I were the only 2 blondes and the rest had dark hair and skin with names I couldn't pronounce. I was different, foreign in their eyes and was obviously made fun of, but that didn't matter because I was British, I was born in England and had the passport, I always told myself that when I got "home" I'd belong.

8 years passed and we moved back to England, I was sad to leave all the friends I had made behind but I was excited to not be seen as different any more, I was so wrong.

On my first day of school everyone refused to show me around, which resulted in getting lost, showing up late to lessons and obviously being made fun of for that, I was confused I was supposed to belong here, they were British like me, why didn't they like me? and why was I so different?

I remember wondering what I was because I was rejected from both countries I had lived in.

Looking back at it now I realise that no one fits into a category of race, your race doesn't define you or your personality, if anything the close friends you make along the way define you, they make you unique and culturally diverse.

You pick up so much from all these different people and different countries which results in you becoming so different and special. You end up choosing who you want to be rather than follow what your countries stereotypes are.

You define yourself, your accent, looks, languages and open-minded attitude often puzzles people, because they can't fit you into a, you are so unique...

So congratulations, you are your own race.

*A few picture of the beautiful people I've meet along the way*

Thank you!

Lana xx