I was in the hospital and I had never felt so disappointed in my life, I was disappointed in myself for making the ones I loved suffer so much but I was also disappointed it didn't work.
You see, a year ago I tried to kill myself, I was rushed into the hospital and almost died.
As blunt as that was it is a fact and sadly a part of my life. I'm not going to go into detail about how I did it just because I find it's pointless.
I remember it being really impulsive, people will always see suicide as an act of weakness. "how could you do that to those who love you" is a common question, and honestly I didn't care because in that moment I felt like no one loved me, I felt like people would be better off without me.
It was quick and before I knew it I was in the hospital ridiculously ashamed of myself.
The ultimate truth about suicide is how hard it is if you survive, you feel worse than you did in the moment you wanted to take your life, you feel like a failure.
You are forced to talk about feelings you wanted to forget and trust me the last thing you want to do is talk about something you failed at when all you wanted was just for everyone and everything to just go away, but now everyone is down your throat asking why while trying to help.
Funnily enough you feel even more alone than you did before.
I remember I had a gig at the Black Lion pub 4 days after, I missed a full day of rehearsals and let a lot of people down and for that I am sorry.
A year later I wish it worked, not a day goes by when I don't wonder "what if" and that sucks because all you've ever wanted was to be better for those who love you, but you still wish you died.
How do you tell those who love you that you wish you were dead, that all their efforts were all a waste of time and that nothing has changed?
You can't, something's are best kept buried in our heads.
Thank you
Lana
xx
Twitter : lana_blowers
Instagram: lanablowers13
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