Obsessive calorie counting - My unhealthy relationship with food

I did't know I had a problem till recently when I couldn't physically do any exercise without calorie counting.

Over the past few years I've never been content with myself, especially my body. I decided I wanted to get "fit" and start working out, I didn't actually realise how dangerous this simple decision could be.

It started out simple, eating less and exercising more, but it soon became an obsession. It was my goal to burn off more calories than I had consumed. I would spend anywhere from 1 to 2 hours at the gym writing down how many calories each machine burned, even when I was home I'd religiously run up and down the stairs just to burn off that extra bite I had for dinner.

When it came to food I'd eat a cereal bar in the morning, it was 99 calories. I'd then skip lunch and spend all day on nothing until dinner. Dinner was difficult as my mother was the one cooking, however I always made sure to eat half my plate then I'd rush up to the bathroom, turn on the tap and start sticking my finger down my throat until nothing but water came out.

I started to go on pro anorexia sites as they had the best tips to keep occupied and avoid food.

This never lasted long, after 1 to 4 weeks I'd relapse and start eating normally again, however the second I did that I'd feel guilty and go back to my old ways, and the cycle continued for 2 years. 

I didn't realise I had a problem because in my eyes I was still eating and my ribs didn't show, therefore it couldn't have been an eating disorder. 

I'm not writing this for sympathy or as confession. I am writing it to explain an eating disorder isn't black and white, even if you don't look anorexic or bulimic it doesn't necessarily mean you aren't struggling. 

I didn't realise I had a problem but I did and I still do.

There are so many sites worth checking out which will be linked below.

   http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/eating-problems/#.V0XfZ5ErLIU

http://www.childline.org.uk/Pages/Home.aspx?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=UK_GO_S_E_BND_Grant_Childline_Pure_Brand&utm_term=childline&gclid=Cj0KEQjwmpW6BRCf5sXp59_U_ssBEiQAGCV9GtqTSJR2565RntZUMR5y8yrUmnUXl-Xlab2s7K_zumgaAtS78P8HAQ&gclsrc=aw.ds

Thank You! 

Lana xx

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